i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
