I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
