had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
