you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
