i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Threesome in a minivan. New low
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
