If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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