My room smells like vodka and shame
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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