this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
