My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize