Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
