when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
