i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
