I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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