"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize