my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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