Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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