dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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