My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Randomize
