Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
