you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
