I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize