Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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