Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
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