: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
