Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
