i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
