just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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