I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
