im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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