Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
