Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
