At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
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