i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
