if i can run in heels then i can drive
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
