I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
someone threw a dead crab at me
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Randomize