Your face is a jimmy john
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Randomize
