I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
You know, be my cock's hype man.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
