if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
