filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
