Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
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