so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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