Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
