we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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