my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
