What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize