So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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