I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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