ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
