You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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