and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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