She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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