It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
