He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
