There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
