I just threw up on my dentist
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
