Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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