I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
