Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
