Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize