Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
We left an ass print on the piano.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
