I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
