so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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